The Manipulation Game, The Monster and the Witch

This past week I've been looking over lots of my old bloggings... I notice one theme seems to come up a lot... lol and that's my pain... my blog seems to be filled with so many painful moments. Honestly, my life is a challenge... many days I want to give up. I believe - and I've written this many times - that the best tool we have... as humans... to survive things, that would seem to destroy us... is PERSPECTIVE.

I live in a cloud of emotional blackmail. That's like when someone threatens to do something awful to themselves if you don't do for them. That's where the person reminds you of how you've failed him/her as they explain their bad behavior towards you. Emotonal Blackmail.... like when she hates me cuz she's starving and can't touch food but hates me after I've fed her too, cuz she feels to full and now wants to throw it back up. I'm reminded of how I failed at making enough money to give my boys what they want... and we never discuss how her habits and behaviors stress the family budget until we all live in survival mode for years.

Finding fault, laying blame... equalizing the enemy... bringing the other guy down a peg... cuz you feel rotten about yourself...
You are filled with hatred and self loathing.... and cover it with mountains of denial. Its what I call "The Manipulation Game".

This game is played 24/7/365. Its all about getting someone to do for you.

Thursday night Venita says... lets talk... lets be honest about things... she said... she was scared about what is to come.
She said lots of honest and insightful things but - again - its the manipulation game and nothing is like it seems. She's telling the truth that we already knew...nothing new.
I know she's scared I said, I am too... been scared out my mind for a long time.... we over spend the budget every week...
we need more money and soon...

I've worked very hard the last few years to keep us out of crisis mode but it doesn't matter...
her eating disorder, and her addictions are killing me and killing this family...
I love venita but I can not live this way much longer.
I think she senses this and that made her scared as well.

"Pennsylvania has you... you will be gone in a few months... you don't want what I give you...its not enough... I don't make you happy", she said.

"I said, I'm outta here in 2 months?... I have never said or even hinted to her anything like that!"
But that's where I actually missed that we were in the Manipulation Game... not the honesty game.

She wanted information about what I will do when she has money again... when her parent's estate settles and she gets paid.
I frankly don't believe it will be as easy as she thinks... nothing is... but lets assume for a minute that she does get her money.

I'm not leaving this house. I'm not leaving my boys. I'm not leaving period. That is the party line.
It's what needs to be ... its what I fight every day not to give up.

When and IF she has money, I know she wants to leave and live alone with it. But she would also like to fix this house and live here?
Its a mess, and she wants to know what I plan to do .... so she can NOT put money into this house only to have me leave... that's her fear I guess.

I don't believe in giving information up in this Game... its a sick sick game of chicken and my sons will pay the price all along the way.

I keep quiet about all she does, and I stay in denial too, and don't even let in all she does.

Bob comes back... "wonder when I got back to being on beck and call?" says bratzilla
Bruce calls; "I'll be hanging out with him today"
Michael calls; "he's marrying someone else cuz I moved to slow on him, there goes my kids college fund"
Randy doesn't call; "I'm glad Randy doesn't talk to me ...he couldn't hear what I'm up to"
the phone rings... "I love my pixie dust ring tone" and then the bedroom door closes...

I have my armour in place too...

But in the end... where will I go ... where do I find a smile? As I lose my bestest and biggest dreams...
I turn to the 1 thought that might make me smile... waking up with my 945100 & 840-943-823



I think, In the Manipulation Game... its important to play your cards close to the chest. I've learned that.

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Meanwhile, the Monster of Innisfil is on the prowl. Are you reading MOM? Where the fuck is your husband at night? How the hell do you sleep so soundly while your daughter cries out foryour help in her sleep?
HONESTLY, don't you know it will cost you a lot less to protect snail than to be paying to keep him out of jail?
PROTECT THE SNAIL!

I yelled at her... to protect herself... but I know, she's just still a little girl... and she needs not yelling but kind firm love to get to safety.
I'm sorry I yelled.


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And in Scranton, the magic of a young witch covers me like a warm blanket you can't see.
In Honesdale, the spirit of a girl tethered to pain
calls out to me.... not with screams for help or rescue...
she calls to me with the softest voice
quieting her bitch
melting into her femininity
and offering the promise of a chance to smile again

there is none like her...
the search is over...


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my arms are open for my girls to come home to...Sir




"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire of your life!"