I AM SOOOO FUCKING ANGRY AGAIN TODAY...

I try to be a good man but everyday ... every time something goes wrong...
Its time to examine everything again...

what I think and want and believe.

I hurt myself with my own stupid bravado... I have to get back to self discipline and not NEED anyone

I was foolish for thinking anyone really likes me...
I was stupid for trying help others...
no one cares really except about themselves.

this week's fun - crashes to a halt...

a sense of stirring to life
around me

confusion reigns supreme,
trying to clean up the mess
and I don't see why.
the busy nature of things flies by
my window
the breeze of spring puts me to sleep.

who I was
who I am
who I'll be...
and how much does it matter
the building storm of emotion outside
my window
the wind of change and questions unanswered.

as the weather changes me again
from winter wraps and heavy cover
I feel less ready to be open.
and while 40 degrees feels like -40
I am less ready to see the sun
less and less ready to
stretch out the hours of the day
for more.

this is how, I think...
a thirsty plant dies.

4/6/2002

************************
In my Faith
I live the life I have dreamed
since I was
small
since I was
one of the little children
Jesus, you have called to me!

Year in and out I have failed you...
been so much less than you dreamed,
and yet you love me
and hold me
and
shelter me in my
smallness, weakness and sin.

In great Faith I am
humbled before you,
learning in my struggles,
hating my sin,
both of us, Lord...
loving my child
I dream tonight of sniffing
again
the flower of forgiveness.

I know what to do with such a gift.
5/22/2002

****************************
Afternoon Grace

The sound is pretty electric guitar…

But the weight is large…

I can hear the music of Creed,

Steven singing…

"I cried out, Heaven,

Save Me…

but I’m down to my last breath."

And then, I hear Patty…

Her grand laughter

filtering down the hallway.

And we all feel it,

That little granting of Grace…

that little lift in my heart…

Not because I knew the joke…

Her afternoon ‘phone laugh’ is enough

All on it’s own.

And for a moment

The burden is lifted…

God strokes my face and

I’m smiling now,

Listening to her…

Enjoying her life.



9-11-02

*************************

"come scribble your love notes"


I don't mean to be distant when I should be close.
I don't mean to be in your face
when I should be busy...
doing my stuff.

I don't mean to ignore the things that make me great...
as I worry over the treasure that makes me shine.


I do mean to tell you I love you...
in actions not in words.
I do mean to free you with all that I do...

I do mean to make you feel safe, cherished and irreplaceable.


I can't see your thoughts but I feel my friend struggle...then I struggle as I try to help.
I have plans for you... yes.
each minute of life that ticks away... steals
the one thing we can not earn more of - time.

When we were apart...
before we met...
before we moved in...
before we married...
before we had our lovely wild monkeys...

we only dreamed of time together and alone.

Life's journey seems to pull and tear at that dream.

But all my ills can be cured in your soft hands and warm strokes.

Come scribble your love notes on my chest...
traced with one finger and fall asleep -
Grateful that we have the time...
even if we don't have the energy

Sir%withLove
((1/4/02))