damn it venita...

I don't know whether to make this a love note or a angry venting.

there is no guilt to hand out - besides I know it doesn't work with you.

I need you to talk to me.

I need you period.

I am fucked and lost...

each day I pray and hope and try to do all the things to keep it together.

I do the impossible.

because I love you and our sons.

there can be no good explanation to them as they get older.

you and I have to fix this or be honest.

They see us... they see what you do and what I do.

I want our dream back... I don't want the world laughing at the Porters...

I want us leading the world and our friends to happy times.

and to Christian salvation.... when its all done...

I want those days of getting older... and sharing secrets...

you hate me one minute and rely on me the next...

say I don't make enough but never tell me a thing...and hide all for what?

what is the point? who are you?

I miss my venita... the one I made sons with...

who are you ?



you tell the boys we are working on it...

you tell the men you are waiting for the divorce to be final...

you tell mario to kiss you miss you and fuck you....

you tell me ... "I don't know, I don't want to hurt your feelings"

my feelings are already in the critical zone...

I am already on the edge and though you say you care...

that you love me even...

you won't jump in to save me... and I drown each day.

you are not able? your pain too great? for that I grieve to my soul.



dammit... wake up... the world you created here is dying

I look at Ricky, and pearl and AC and her kittens...

at the flame stitch blanket and at all the memories in my mind...

and wonder what is true?

I love this place you've created...

I can't be pushed out... but you can keep trying...

I can be loved... I need to be loved...

where the fuck is the love?

...always more about SirwithLove by going to: http://groups.msn.com/BDSMLairofDarkness/_whatsnew.msnw?