a dreamy weekend
snail has been here since late Thursday night...
I am soooo very proud of her - proud to be her friend and her Dom.
She made it through the border with very little hassle...
I know last time they made her cry and feel awful about herself...
I wanted to rage at them for that but kept my mouth shut.
This time... I think we got her organized enough... letters and story all in place... YAY.
***
Anyway, this has been a dreamy weekend...
I have been hurting so very much...
and I realize its been YEARS since I felt like this...
She's said each time we've been together that she felt more and more like her...
well, this time I think I'm getting that feeling too.
I feel like me ...and lately, a future with her seems more and more possible.
I LOVE sharing music with her... it feels so good to stare into each other's eyes and smile knowingly - is that being in love? It feels good whatever one calls it.
I carry a wound so deep that it feels like I will never heal...
I am quick to anger... and so emotionally drained...
I don't have much to give... I am scared and yet... its right that I am alone and lonely...
my soul MUST learn from all of this~!
She touches me so lovingly...and she doesn't tear me down...
LOL
perhaps that is partly due to the "newness" of our feelings...
ALL of us behave best in our relationships... at the start of things.
at the start - we are all on our best behavior...
but how to make it last?
*************
This weekend has been so fun in the best vanilla ways...
Chuckie Cheese's on Friday ... a fun pizza party
Shopping at the Mall on Saturday... The boys and I did the shopping thing without too much complaint... its hard to see all the things one can buy or have and not be able to purchase.
But, Snail brought her birthday money and she looked sooooo "girly" in her female element - The MALL~! ;)
And best of all, the kisses... and the touching.
Maybe I'm not her Dom this weekend - maybe we will NEVER have time for all we wish for...
but what is there melts me to my hardest heart...
and I dream of being loved ...again.
thank you snaileeeeoooo
thank you for your loving good heart...
the gift of your spirit in my life, healing me with your easy silence and acceptance.
NO ONE wants to ride this tunnel of love with me...
and who can blame them?
"It ought to be easy
ought to be simple enough
Man meets a woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And you've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above
if you want to ride on down
in through this tunnel of love"
<< http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/bruce_springsteen/tunnel_of_love.html >>
************
snail is sleeping in my bed... I've watched her in between taking care of the boys.
she's so young and yet so brave and grown up for her age.
her life has been so unfair... and yet here she is...
MORE beat up and torn down in 21 yrs than I have been in my 46 yrs...
my inspiration to keep going
my smile when it hurts to think of smiling...
my my my
************
I read her blog just a little while ago... not just the past few postings, but the past few months...
She's been through so much...
and she keeps so much inside...
thanks to snail for writing things down and helping me learn about the things that are hard for her to say.
***********
its her 21st Birthday tomorrow and I'm gonna cry when she leaves.
my son invited her back for HIS birthday...
and I keep thinking about her asking me to play baseball again this summer...
how she looks at me, how she finds me to be a Man...
not some old broken, under acheiving asshole
not some OLD unwanted guy...
but renewed and golden in the sunshine of her love.
***********
we thought this weekend would be about play - which really didn't happen...
instead - its been about love.
and I'm grateful for getting what I never dreamed I needed.
its the first day this year that I look forward...
forward to what she might bring to my life next?
forward to our next time together?
forward to the songs she will share and sing to me?
forward to the eyes that silently say "I love you".
"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire your life!"
I am soooo very proud of her - proud to be her friend and her Dom.
She made it through the border with very little hassle...
I know last time they made her cry and feel awful about herself...
I wanted to rage at them for that but kept my mouth shut.
This time... I think we got her organized enough... letters and story all in place... YAY.
***
Anyway, this has been a dreamy weekend...
I have been hurting so very much...
and I realize its been YEARS since I felt like this...
She's said each time we've been together that she felt more and more like her...
well, this time I think I'm getting that feeling too.
I feel like me ...and lately, a future with her seems more and more possible.
I LOVE sharing music with her... it feels so good to stare into each other's eyes and smile knowingly - is that being in love? It feels good whatever one calls it.
I carry a wound so deep that it feels like I will never heal...
I am quick to anger... and so emotionally drained...
I don't have much to give... I am scared and yet... its right that I am alone and lonely...
my soul MUST learn from all of this~!
She touches me so lovingly...and she doesn't tear me down...
LOL
perhaps that is partly due to the "newness" of our feelings...
ALL of us behave best in our relationships... at the start of things.
at the start - we are all on our best behavior...
but how to make it last?
*************
This weekend has been so fun in the best vanilla ways...
Chuckie Cheese's on Friday ... a fun pizza party
Shopping at the Mall on Saturday... The boys and I did the shopping thing without too much complaint... its hard to see all the things one can buy or have and not be able to purchase.
But, Snail brought her birthday money and she looked sooooo "girly" in her female element - The MALL~! ;)
And best of all, the kisses... and the touching.
Maybe I'm not her Dom this weekend - maybe we will NEVER have time for all we wish for...
but what is there melts me to my hardest heart...
and I dream of being loved ...again.
thank you snaileeeeoooo
thank you for your loving good heart...
the gift of your spirit in my life, healing me with your easy silence and acceptance.
NO ONE wants to ride this tunnel of love with me...
and who can blame them?
"It ought to be easy
ought to be simple enough
Man meets a woman and they fall in love
But the house is haunted and the ride gets rough
And you've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above
if you want to ride on down
in through this tunnel of love"
<< http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/bruce_springsteen/tunnel_of_love.html >>
************
snail is sleeping in my bed... I've watched her in between taking care of the boys.
she's so young and yet so brave and grown up for her age.
her life has been so unfair... and yet here she is...
MORE beat up and torn down in 21 yrs than I have been in my 46 yrs...
my inspiration to keep going
my smile when it hurts to think of smiling...
my my my
************
I read her blog just a little while ago... not just the past few postings, but the past few months...
She's been through so much...
and she keeps so much inside...
thanks to snail for writing things down and helping me learn about the things that are hard for her to say.
***********
its her 21st Birthday tomorrow and I'm gonna cry when she leaves.
my son invited her back for HIS birthday...
and I keep thinking about her asking me to play baseball again this summer...
how she looks at me, how she finds me to be a Man...
not some old broken, under acheiving asshole
not some OLD unwanted guy...
but renewed and golden in the sunshine of her love.
***********
we thought this weekend would be about play - which really didn't happen...
instead - its been about love.
and I'm grateful for getting what I never dreamed I needed.
its the first day this year that I look forward...
forward to what she might bring to my life next?
forward to our next time together?
forward to the songs she will share and sing to me?
forward to the eyes that silently say "I love you".
"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire your life!"
posted by Sir(%)withLove at 07:52
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