The Pistons are kicking Laker butt right now...

how about all that?

maybe anything CAN happen....


I am struggling and I don't know even what to defend against.
My energy is all mixed up.... I am angry horny stirred to love and full of hate...


***********
I miss being important to her.

I miss my ring.

I feel ashamed that my little family is a lie - that every knows how stupid it all is and I am the soap opera that doesn't end. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr


I miss her wanting me....

everytime I feel a hint of enjoyment from someone new wanting me now...
I hurt a little too... because its not her.

************

this was not gonna be my life....

in 1989 I was angry and disbelieving like I am now, I had no kids and no plans to ever marry again... love can be passionate and good ...but I have not seen those of my generation or younger make it last.

venita made me belive in magic and she took me to places sexually I only dreamed of but that wasn't enough and for 3 yrs I would not say I love you.

for a long time I waited to see if this woman ...
so lovely and so submissive -
could be real....
and if she was real - why the fuck did she want me?


I could do 2 things...
in retrospect....

I could spank her and understand that need well.
and I could give her children.
make her a mom.

those things are well done now....

and like a good summer burger lefting sitting on the fire.
I am well done now too.

I still look good.
but I'm burned to a crisp
burned like a victim in the burn unit
my skin screams at the thought of being touched.

I am melting and moaning...
aching to be loved
to have a woman devoted to Me and My needs.

to simply and regularly think about my feelings
and work to make my day a little better.

I feel tonight will be another night the nightmare continues.

I don't know any of you really...lol

I am sleeping ...and this is all a nightmare
I fell asleep 4 yrs ago...
when Mario came
and now
I am asleep in no where land...

hearing his name....
hearing him called handsome
hearing others called baby and sweety and dear....

and never a touch
nothing to give
the one that does care.


in a nightmare.
venita, where ever you are
stop this madness and come home...
I don't know who the woman is that you left in your place.

I talk to you and you shake your head like you agree...
but do you ?
do you do anything but wait for HIM?
you wanna go on killing yourself and me and your kids....
I hate MARIO!

isn't it enought that you loved me once and it hurts me now even still that you can't let someone go YOU HAVE NEVER MET?


so you wanna sleep in your nightmare or wake up


is it better to stay with the pain you know
or face a new pain and dismantle the world you know...
for a chance to die another way...

to see the light of day
in some lovers arms

to not be bound to sleep a thousand years...

waiting for the spirt girl to free me

let the rain fall down

when I see her smiling

I will say oh oh oh



and I know what this is



for that I know the password.




I need the chance.


and the smarts to know when it is there
and when to just breathe and let it pass.

bless me
it ain't as easy as it sounds.






Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."