okay look I am living proof that I know fucking nothing...
each day brings surprises...
okay in my case its mostly a new disaster or stress that hint of anxious crap to fear in the future.

all God gives us..
the only currency that counts is TIME.
we should not waste what God gives so graciously.
I do not know how to explain what this week will bring in terms of permanent change...
but the deepest psychic senses in me....say pay attention to the next 10 days...

what is an illusion?
what is the nightmare....
what is the disease and
what things could help me heal?

save the house...money or no money...
lose my kids... or take the whole burden on for another year?


I have to survive you see... I am the sane one...
the one We all rely on...
and I ain't livin... I am dying.

so have to find a reason...
find a mantra

maybe this is it...


*****************************

HOOBASTANK LYRICS

"The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you





































Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."


apparently we are gonna save O/our house....
she doesn't want me...
she's pushing me to snail and making things here intolerable.

but she's "trying"...

I am so confused...

I just don't care to be hurt anymore.



meanwhile, formulating a plan or two for snail and pixi...
we shall see.

Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."


okay looking at my naked left hand...
today I miss my ring...
looking at the mark that is still there on my finger...
I am torn in two...
trying to find a way to make it all come out okay.

angry and confused....
angry at the smallest things
like an empty ring finger.

grrr