its the weekend of our discontent...
pixi says she's lied...

and frankly everyone lies...
and everyone needs forgiveness...
everyone needs to start new each day
to be the best ya can...


what to do with a girl that feels so badly about her behavior that she wants to run away from you?

damn ya know?

ya don't know whether you were being asked to leave or to stay and spank her... and tell her it will all be okay.

*rubs his chin*








Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

well today brings better news :D

Friday, June 11, 2004
Sir i would do absolutly anything in the world for You, even if it hurt me. i never ever thought i could feel like this, i mean i didn't even know what love was before i met You..i still prolly don't but i know i for sure have a better idea. i mean You just make me forget about all the bad stuff when im with You, You give me strength, You give me love, You give me joy and happiness, You give me guidence, and make me believe. i couldnt ask for anymore in more.

# posted by snail : 12:55 PM





Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

oh dear...


i sit here reading Sir's blog and i cry. i cry because i can feel His pain, i cry because i think i help but i don't, i cry because im selfish, i cry because Sir hurts, because i can't make things better. im sorry for failing, i tried, i really did but i guess like everything else in life im just no good. Sometimes i used to think maybe one day i can be with Sir, be happy make things good for Him and me. But i know it's never going to happen, it's just another dream..my whole life is a dream. And dreams don't come true. im sorry You don't know me Sir, and im sorry i can't fix things for You, im sorry im not strong, im sorry i can't fight my monster, im so sorry Sir.



# posted by Nicole : 12:31 AM



I love you snail...please don't go :(

my last blog entry was a good cleansing venting release.
I didn't mean to hurt you or anyone...

if I don't flush I can't heal...
if I don't heal...
I can't love anyone the way I should...
including myself.

please understand.

I never mean to make it seem impossible...
I just have anger that can go no where but here.







Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

The Pistons are kicking Laker butt right now...

how about all that?

maybe anything CAN happen....


I am struggling and I don't know even what to defend against.
My energy is all mixed up.... I am angry horny stirred to love and full of hate...


***********
I miss being important to her.

I miss my ring.

I feel ashamed that my little family is a lie - that every knows how stupid it all is and I am the soap opera that doesn't end. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr


I miss her wanting me....

everytime I feel a hint of enjoyment from someone new wanting me now...
I hurt a little too... because its not her.

************

this was not gonna be my life....

in 1989 I was angry and disbelieving like I am now, I had no kids and no plans to ever marry again... love can be passionate and good ...but I have not seen those of my generation or younger make it last.

venita made me belive in magic and she took me to places sexually I only dreamed of but that wasn't enough and for 3 yrs I would not say I love you.

for a long time I waited to see if this woman ...
so lovely and so submissive -
could be real....
and if she was real - why the fuck did she want me?


I could do 2 things...
in retrospect....

I could spank her and understand that need well.
and I could give her children.
make her a mom.

those things are well done now....

and like a good summer burger lefting sitting on the fire.
I am well done now too.

I still look good.
but I'm burned to a crisp
burned like a victim in the burn unit
my skin screams at the thought of being touched.

I am melting and moaning...
aching to be loved
to have a woman devoted to Me and My needs.

to simply and regularly think about my feelings
and work to make my day a little better.

I feel tonight will be another night the nightmare continues.

I don't know any of you really...lol

I am sleeping ...and this is all a nightmare
I fell asleep 4 yrs ago...
when Mario came
and now
I am asleep in no where land...

hearing his name....
hearing him called handsome
hearing others called baby and sweety and dear....

and never a touch
nothing to give
the one that does care.


in a nightmare.
venita, where ever you are
stop this madness and come home...
I don't know who the woman is that you left in your place.

I talk to you and you shake your head like you agree...
but do you ?
do you do anything but wait for HIM?
you wanna go on killing yourself and me and your kids....
I hate MARIO!

isn't it enought that you loved me once and it hurts me now even still that you can't let someone go YOU HAVE NEVER MET?


so you wanna sleep in your nightmare or wake up


is it better to stay with the pain you know
or face a new pain and dismantle the world you know...
for a chance to die another way...

to see the light of day
in some lovers arms

to not be bound to sleep a thousand years...

waiting for the spirt girl to free me

let the rain fall down

when I see her smiling

I will say oh oh oh



and I know what this is



for that I know the password.




I need the chance.


and the smarts to know when it is there
and when to just breathe and let it pass.

bless me
it ain't as easy as it sounds.






Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

staying home today to rest...watch the boys...
called in sick.

right now venita is sleeping in... I don't get it
if she was staying home... then I could have gone to work...
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr







I have been thinking I want to write more often but things just keep me too busy.






pixi is down to less than a month before haylee arrives...yay!
she met with a Domme and I know she really likes her. dunno what will happen there... but I know our friendship will stay intact... no matter the outcome. she's a good slave girl... its hard that we are so far apart and cannot meet.


snail's blog moved me this morning... I worry about her so much.
she says she wants to be a slave...
she wrote that she is happy I called her "cunt" for the first time in a while yesterday. I want so much to lift her up and get her to a life... get her on her way to seeing that she is lovable and that she can beat her monster.


heavens in texas is struggling with her chemo...
we talked briefly yesterday...
she goes to work... comes home takes her meds and goes to sleep...
bless you lil missy... sending you healing warmth and strength.



if only I could make the lives of my friends better....

if only I had just a bit more magic to spread around.


talked to sheesh this morning...typical aggravating messenger convo... where she talks and then stops for 15 min at a time...
I should resolve to not bother. she said she's a bitch... lol accept it.


deannadrycunt also makes me crazy, submissive one moment and gone the next... offering the world and apologies then simply being rude and if I could figure out the mystery that would be good.
she's unique... I give her more of a break than I should but frankly I have tried to just let it go... but I don't seem to be able to say "go away" ... lol not when she's in the right mood...lol who would?



**and then there is indie...


she and I have been talking since Feb 04....
she's married and if I could I would talk to that man of hers and get him straight on the lovely girl he's got... damn sometimes I feel like he's wasting his slave - right before my eyes... I read her blog and want so much more for her too.... I find her very attractive and feel moved by her attention. reading her blog is something I do daily - she's simply great. http://www.writtensin.blogspot.com/






Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."

another lost weekend...in hell...
or rather...

it started crappy and ended that way tooo.....

not to awful in the middle, but lonely.

I don't know what to do or say with venita around anymore.
I don't know how to do anything "right" - every thing I do is wrong. :(
that's how it feels with her in the room... I can feel the sad face come and don't know how to dig out of the quicksand... from then on I'm screwed.

snail was home recovering from her illness,
and I have nothing but hate (sorry, Jesus!) for her dad and mom...
she needs to make it stop... because they won't.

pixi... met a couple... (they've been talking longer than she and I - I learned this weekend - but she loves me) I don't know really, other than we agreed - it is what it is... we can't be together in real life... circumstances are just that way. I miss her when we don't talk regularly. she has her challenges... I wish I could do more... but its her fight and I wish her strength and love in all this... I missed her this weekend... that is more than I want to admit.

heavens - felt like leaving- she's not well and feels she lets me down... tried to tell her I don't need anything more - that she doesn't let me down and I'm not a fair weather friend.

talked to shy too... she's a bitch she told me again... I guess that's still true.
once upon a time she could have had me... but that's not in me any more I discovered.

I even ventured back into some chatrooms and bantered with strangers... till 3am both nights this weekend. Met some interesting subs and filled my lonely time.

Oh and yes.... I had a great time talking to indie...
she calls me "darling, Sir"... and like venita, she doesn't know her power or how lovely she is.


strange time talking to deanna (as always, what is in that girl's head?)- she knows her power and her beauty ...lol but something else stops her... what?


finally, back at work now 7am because I couldn't lay in bed feeling stupid and useless.

now lets get something done shall we?



Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm.
"Come in," she said,
"I'll give you shelter from the storm."