Monday, April 16, 2007

shutting it down

okay I tried to open up and write about me...
to be good to everyone that has made me feel like going on and on with my crazy life...
I'm really thankful to everyone for trying to pull me through...

but this blog just hurts the only ones that care about me...

I can't hurt anyone anymore.

I'm sorry...

blogging sucks


"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire of your life!"

Sunday, April 15, 2007

purchased! a work in progress...

purchased! a work in progress...


I walked through the gallery, where they keep the unsold, those to be sold and those too incorigible and untrainable to be sold... amanda, a friend and former slave, walked slightly behind me... pointing out the comparitive value of each girl. Some stared intently from their chains... plaintively "hoping" to be taken in the early moring auctions, while others ignored the potential buyers as they made notes and decisions about what girl might be purchased for a premium and which might be a bargain.
"which ever is Your preference, Sir", said amanda as she pointed to the caged girls with a wave of her hand. I nodded, smiled and kept walking... I would know her when I saw her.
"I'm looking for one with a... oh, I don't know... maybe dancer's body", I reminded her. "Like this one." I pointed to a quiet girl with longer hair and downcast eyes. Her legs looked strong and her breasts full, hip to waist ratio was good too.
"Hoping to be sold today, girl?" I asked her. Only her eyes answered and then went back to the ground. I grabbed her thigh through the bars.
"she's strong", I commented to amanda.
"Speak up girl... let me hear you." I said to the girl with her eyes downcast.
"yes, Thank You Sir." While she looked raw... untrained... she did sound like she knew her place. Her voice was soft and eyes downcast... at the staw around her bare feet.
"You are not yet my Sir, should i call you Sir? or Master?" I laughed.

"I think you should call me Sir if you'd like to..."
"i have always been aware of Your presence, Sir... not quite sure if i have ever been good enough for You... for anyone... i stay to myself, quietly." What a totally sweet, shy slave girl blushing in the corner... by the wall...wearing her chain and collar so delightfully demure.... as the light and shadows played on her face and the curve of her hip. I marked her number down and asked her name.

"julianna, but you may call me anything you wish to call me, Sir" I smiled and kept on moving to make sure I got a spot where the auctioneer would see me when the next auctions began. I waited with money in hand... to buy her - wanting her to be all mine... if only for an hour... depending on how high her price goes. I watch as the auctioneer pulls her from the wall... her steps unsure as she's dragged to the block... the crowd cheering, sighing, shouting for her to be sold. she's blindfolded and naked.... in her heavy chain and collar. I ache to buy her and own her...use her and keep her for myself... I wonder what she's hoping... that I'm here? that the ordeal will end soon? keeping eyes lowered, not wanting to see the faces in the crowd...arms folded trying to cover my nakedness...thinking to herself... 'what if He is not here'...

the auctioneer's voice starts the bidding... Disreputable characters always show up for these auctions... undesireables, thieves, creeps, awful owners, disgusting beyond description vie for ownership... and then there is Me... pocket full... no price to high... for the trembling girl on the block... And , in a way I'm no better than the others, I can hardly wait to take her by the chain from the auctioneer and the whistles, catcalls. Sold publicly ...with the sounds of the market ringing in her ears, she'll know the sound of my voice if I bid out loud... I wave my hand... touch my nose... signal the auctioneer... and over and over the bidding rises on this prize girl...

Later, still blindfolded as I take her for myself....from the stage... naked and clanking her chain.... I whisper, "don't worry... you are safe now..."

"you will never be sold again, julianna...my collar fits nicely around your neck..." I purr to her left ear...








"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire of your life!"

joanne and teresa

two people that I know are very private but I feel I've left out of the blog too long...

I first started talking to joanne over a year ago...
we first traded email at collar me... we talked on messenger...
I hope I helped her find her way with a Dom or bf along the way...
she was real and she was special, mature - not a little girl - but still a blushing submissive with a heart of gold...
she proves the point that good things take time...
our friendship could have gotten hot and then burned out fast but instead...
its grown slowly and honestly - its become more over the last few months...
daily email... a phone call to say good morning.
And most importantly, her place and her dog are an island of refuge for me now.
A place I can breathe and reset to do I HAVE to do.
She feeds me...
she buys me whatever I need...
fills my tank emotionally and literally...
and sends me on my way saying I'm gorgeous.
God Bless Canadian Women and their border collies.

Or maybe just, God Bless Joanne.

oh and when it comes to teresa, I won't belabor the point...

I wrote The Comet ... for teresa and her daughter...she is my big sister and then some...
we've never met in person...
BUT, I treasure when that silly woman with her texas drawl calls me and reminds me to
"go look at the angel in the mirror"

teresa lifts me like a guardian angel... every time... never judging but holding back the tide like a strong sure BIG sister...
I love you teresa ....you know she didn't even hear me say that either cuz she's out doing donuts in the snowcovered parking lot.




"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire of your life!"

The Manipulation Game, The Monster and the Witch

This past week I've been looking over lots of my old bloggings... I notice one theme seems to come up a lot... lol and that's my pain... my blog seems to be filled with so many painful moments. Honestly, my life is a challenge... many days I want to give up. I believe - and I've written this many times - that the best tool we have... as humans... to survive things, that would seem to destroy us... is PERSPECTIVE.

I live in a cloud of emotional blackmail. That's like when someone threatens to do something awful to themselves if you don't do for them. That's where the person reminds you of how you've failed him/her as they explain their bad behavior towards you. Emotonal Blackmail.... like when she hates me cuz she's starving and can't touch food but hates me after I've fed her too, cuz she feels to full and now wants to throw it back up. I'm reminded of how I failed at making enough money to give my boys what they want... and we never discuss how her habits and behaviors stress the family budget until we all live in survival mode for years.

Finding fault, laying blame... equalizing the enemy... bringing the other guy down a peg... cuz you feel rotten about yourself...
You are filled with hatred and self loathing.... and cover it with mountains of denial. Its what I call "The Manipulation Game".

This game is played 24/7/365. Its all about getting someone to do for you.

Thursday night Venita says... lets talk... lets be honest about things... she said... she was scared about what is to come.
She said lots of honest and insightful things but - again - its the manipulation game and nothing is like it seems. She's telling the truth that we already knew...nothing new.
I know she's scared I said, I am too... been scared out my mind for a long time.... we over spend the budget every week...
we need more money and soon...

I've worked very hard the last few years to keep us out of crisis mode but it doesn't matter...
her eating disorder, and her addictions are killing me and killing this family...
I love venita but I can not live this way much longer.
I think she senses this and that made her scared as well.

"Pennsylvania has you... you will be gone in a few months... you don't want what I give you...its not enough... I don't make you happy", she said.

"I said, I'm outta here in 2 months?... I have never said or even hinted to her anything like that!"
But that's where I actually missed that we were in the Manipulation Game... not the honesty game.

She wanted information about what I will do when she has money again... when her parent's estate settles and she gets paid.
I frankly don't believe it will be as easy as she thinks... nothing is... but lets assume for a minute that she does get her money.

I'm not leaving this house. I'm not leaving my boys. I'm not leaving period. That is the party line.
It's what needs to be ... its what I fight every day not to give up.

When and IF she has money, I know she wants to leave and live alone with it. But she would also like to fix this house and live here?
Its a mess, and she wants to know what I plan to do .... so she can NOT put money into this house only to have me leave... that's her fear I guess.

I don't believe in giving information up in this Game... its a sick sick game of chicken and my sons will pay the price all along the way.

I keep quiet about all she does, and I stay in denial too, and don't even let in all she does.

Bob comes back... "wonder when I got back to being on beck and call?" says bratzilla
Bruce calls; "I'll be hanging out with him today"
Michael calls; "he's marrying someone else cuz I moved to slow on him, there goes my kids college fund"
Randy doesn't call; "I'm glad Randy doesn't talk to me ...he couldn't hear what I'm up to"
the phone rings... "I love my pixie dust ring tone" and then the bedroom door closes...

I have my armour in place too...

But in the end... where will I go ... where do I find a smile? As I lose my bestest and biggest dreams...
I turn to the 1 thought that might make me smile... waking up with my 945100 & 840-943-823



I think, In the Manipulation Game... its important to play your cards close to the chest. I've learned that.

***********************

Meanwhile, the Monster of Innisfil is on the prowl. Are you reading MOM? Where the fuck is your husband at night? How the hell do you sleep so soundly while your daughter cries out foryour help in her sleep?
HONESTLY, don't you know it will cost you a lot less to protect snail than to be paying to keep him out of jail?
PROTECT THE SNAIL!

I yelled at her... to protect herself... but I know, she's just still a little girl... and she needs not yelling but kind firm love to get to safety.
I'm sorry I yelled.


***********************

And in Scranton, the magic of a young witch covers me like a warm blanket you can't see.
In Honesdale, the spirit of a girl tethered to pain
calls out to me.... not with screams for help or rescue...
she calls to me with the softest voice
quieting her bitch
melting into her femininity
and offering the promise of a chance to smile again

there is none like her...
the search is over...


***********************

my arms are open for my girls to come home to...Sir





"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire of your life!"