where I am meant to be?

yes......


▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she and I are still sharing the house
very tense but also trying to be the best sometimes too

institches4 says:
i didn't realize you shared a computer too
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
we've been married a long time...
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I would love nothing better than to have this all get better but I know it won't.... she has so many problems and she is going to either die/kill herself or leave
institches4 says:
i hope i didn't cause you any undue stress
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
none


institches4 says:thank goodness

▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she signed on to my name by accident
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she felt badly
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she and I have big decisions ahead and then there is the follow thru on each decision
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she has lied so many times ...even to herself
institches4 says:
i hope she can get herself together soon ... this can't be good for the kids
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
exactly
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
its been scary for them

institches4 says:i bet it has been ... and they are probably blaming themselves too
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
just lots of bad behavior
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
well not lots
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
more than I want...lol
institches4 says:
it's to be expected tho
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
right
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I love my boys very much
institches4 says:i can tell
if you didn't - you would of left LONG ago
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
thanks...lol
institches4 says:
*hugs you for support*
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
thanks
institches4 says:no, to me, it'svery evident you love them


▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
deep breath
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
thanks
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I am just sitting her trying to figure out the best way to handle things and really the BEST way is that she found her way back to wanting to be here and fight for our family

institches4 says:can you suggest that she find a place on her own to get herself back together?

▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she will indulge herself and it will get worse ... she will never come back
she has a major eating disorder
no one really understands them ..doctors even are not in agreement always

institches4 says: very sad

▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she is killing herself slowly...
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
and not feeding her brain
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
her decisions become more and more of the "fuck it" variety
all the past four years as I watched her get worse I have been in terrible financail trouble because she controlled the money and threatened to leave if I took it over
I have thought of her like someone with alzheimers


you don't leave your partner when she is deteriorating...

you don't leave when they need help

but she doesn't want my help and she makes me part of the problem cuz I know too much
she throws up everything she eats

she WAS the love of my life.


I am lost now... but I have these 3 boys to care for ...and its the only thing that matters ultimately.


institches4 says: i understand that .... but it simply cannot be good for the kids to see their mom slowly kill herself

▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
right.
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
they know mom has problems
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
they know she loves them... just like I know she loves me...

institches4 says:
but they shouldn't have to be exposed to this 24/7
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
but her love is not good for us any more... it is like poison
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
if I just left...she would move a man in to help with money
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
then they are exposed to that as well
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
and if we fight... it will be ugly financially in a time when we COULD / SHOULD BE fixing the financial mess
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I am part of the day ready to run away my self...
then other times
want to scoop the boys up and run
then I want to fix it all and try that
then I give up and get depressed
that's my cycle


▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
okay now that's about it to the moment... there are many details...lol

institches4 says:*nods*and i don't want you to think i have the answers ..., but sometimes an outside eye can see things you can't
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
yes that is why I am telling you
and because I sense if we are going to be friends you might as well know it all... I am good at hiding me,my feelings or lying

institches4 says:
that's why i'm sticking around...

▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I have an 'extra' but broken clothes dryer in the basement
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
just tonight she told me....
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
" you need to get rid of that because that is one of my secret places to throw up'

institches4 says: you REALLY need to get the kids out of there
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I guess I just need to get her to leave
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
give it all up
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
and I would be really fair
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
not file for divorce even for a year if she liked
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
see the boys when she wanted... come spend the night as often as she liked
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
and one day when the money was sorted out
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
if I saved the house
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I would share any money I could

▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I need to see the attorney but I don't have money
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
its a catch 22
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
and I need HER to be agreeable
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she is not really rational

▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she could say that about me
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I yell at them when I SHOULD yell at her
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
anyway... I can't CAN NOT make this seem like an attack on her
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
frankly she should probably check into a hospital for 60 days

but she won't cuz she thinks I would use it against her

she can't hear that even in the face of all she has done ...and how she's hurt me

I am a good forgiving Christian Man

that knows what is most important

do you know the joke about the woman who's husband thought he was a chicken


I'd like to get him some help but we need the eggs


or the one about how many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?

1 - but the light bulb really has to want to change

▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
the boys need her and I need her

institches4 says:*hugs you again - 'cuz i think you really need it*

▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I may have to do it differently and would
if she said ...

I need to go to the hospital







▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
thanks for the hugs











"Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

what great battle will this world bring me today? and more to the point am I ready?

You ARE the very Best God has made

*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
hey Sir
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
i am fixing to go a house & some land....i really wish you would listen to some music...maybe the goofy CD i made for you...
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
love you muches more than you know Sir
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
You ARE the very Best God has made...now God has said it...so all I gotta do is convince you, Sir of it....
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I like lots of the songs ty
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
u r welcum Sir
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
try and have a better evening and i will be here for You in the earl am
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
ealry
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I need a list of titles and artists
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
early
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
dayem
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
oh ok....not a problem
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
maybe you can go for a car ride some time and sing for me
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
but the 2 most imp ones are "walk On" and "I'll Be"
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
i will and yo will ask me to sing on the radio...just so you can turn me off
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
lol
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
i love you ...remember that
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
and please also remember ...I have faith in YOU that God does
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
got time for a quick question?
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
sure
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
she came home and said...
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I love you Joel
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I want you to win
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
but she also said Randy asked her if he left if she could be happy with me
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
and she said she doesn't know how to do that
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
make her an instruction manual with crayolas
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
1
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
2
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
3
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
funny I thought the same kind of thing
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
and so on but use the KISS method
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
and she asked if we could be peaceful now today
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
I am not going to talk ...that should fix things in that department I guess
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
keep focus....
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
2 only things in sight
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
take care of self
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
and boys
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
and keep house
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
only 2
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
that was your goal
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
and still is i assume
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
i got to scoot....keep sights on focusing on 2 important things...if it dont pertain to those things shut if off
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
doesnt exist if its not those 2 things
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
and remember i love you and have all the faith in you....and so does God.....
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
you will be fine baby
▫§ìřŵ£övê▫™ says:
bless you
*Your spirit angel* {SBIT} says:
thank you for keeping my feet on the ground...










"Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

a poem from a friend

Silence brought The noise within
Tattered remnants
Full form begin
Whirling random
Inner chaos prevail
Quiet assurance
Slowly without fail
Piece by piece
Linked as one Life's direction
Its path begun
Silence brought the noise within Silence
bought Serenity without sin



"Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

angry in AP

in a desert somewhere my skin is burning
endlessly reminding me
that I am not home
and the child of God is lost.

my heart is burning...
my soul frying at the edge of hell
the devil smiles to see me empty and hurting

there are losses mounting...

please God, I scream...

I am your child
fill me
because in you, I can do anything

my stomach churns the acid of yesterday...
my brain squints for the truth
surrounded by the clouds this monster sends
the great confuser
at work in my soul.












"Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"