damn it venita...

I don't know whether to make this a love note or a angry venting.

there is no guilt to hand out - besides I know it doesn't work with you.

I need you to talk to me.

I need you period.

I am fucked and lost...

each day I pray and hope and try to do all the things to keep it together.

I do the impossible.

because I love you and our sons.

there can be no good explanation to them as they get older.

you and I have to fix this or be honest.

They see us... they see what you do and what I do.

I want our dream back... I don't want the world laughing at the Porters...

I want us leading the world and our friends to happy times.

and to Christian salvation.... when its all done...

I want those days of getting older... and sharing secrets...

you hate me one minute and rely on me the next...

say I don't make enough but never tell me a thing...and hide all for what?

what is the point? who are you?

I miss my venita... the one I made sons with...

who are you ?



you tell the boys we are working on it...

you tell the men you are waiting for the divorce to be final...

you tell mario to kiss you miss you and fuck you....

you tell me ... "I don't know, I don't want to hurt your feelings"

my feelings are already in the critical zone...

I am already on the edge and though you say you care...

that you love me even...

you won't jump in to save me... and I drown each day.

you are not able? your pain too great? for that I grieve to my soul.



dammit... wake up... the world you created here is dying

I look at Ricky, and pearl and AC and her kittens...

at the flame stitch blanket and at all the memories in my mind...

and wonder what is true?

I love this place you've created...

I can't be pushed out... but you can keep trying...

I can be loved... I need to be loved...

where the fuck is the love?

...always more about SirwithLove by going to: http://groups.msn.com/BDSMLairofDarkness/_whatsnew.msnw?

slave c says:Sir are You there?
ok well i guess then i will write You an e-mail so when You can check it

§ir W/£ove says:
I am here
slave c says:ok
slave c says:
slave c says:im writing You an e-mail
§ir W/£ove says:
I like getting emails too
§ir W/£ove says:
especially from you
slave c says:really?
§ir W/£ove says:
yes really you big silly
slave c says:im writing You about everything in my past
§ir W/£ove says:
good
§ir W/£ove says:
have you seen my blogspot?
slave c says:??
§ir W/£ove says:
lol brb
slave c says:whats a blogspot Sir?
§ir W/£ove says:
http://www.blogger.com/
§ir W/£ove says:
first click that... its on line journal
slave c says:ok
§ir W/£ove says:
this is mine http://worldofsir.blogspot.com/
§ir W/£ove says:
I intend to little by little describe my anger and pain here
§ir W/£ove says:
how I got to here
§ir W/£ove says:
what happens to me... this is where I care for myself... where I listen to myself... and try to correct myself
slave c says:alright
§ir W/£ove says:
sometimes it will be just a diary
§ir W/£ove says:
but sometimes a story about me from the past
§ir W/£ove says:
anyway its always there
§ir W/£ove says:
http://worldofsir.blogspot.com/
slave c says:ok
§ir W/£ove says:
save that and check on me if youlike
slave c says:ty Sir
§ir W/£ove says:
I have promised myself to be truthful
§ir W/£ove says:
or what is the point
slave c says:ya
§ir W/£ove says:
and this way I can vent but not on anyone in particular
§ir W/£ove says:
I began Feb 1
§ir W/£ove says:
and want to try to write something everyday
slave c says:alright
§ir W/£ove says:
might be a good idea for you
§ir W/£ove says:
this one is really personal
slave c says:ok
§ir W/£ove says:
I have not mentioned you specifically yet
§ir W/£ove says:
that doesn't mean you aren't special
§ir W/£ove says:
it means I wanted to show you and talk to you first before putting you in the blog
slave c says:ok
§ir W/£ove says:
okay what.....
slave c says:i dont mind Sir
§ir W/£ove says:
ty ....I will post this conversation
§ir W/£ove says:
would you like to tell anyone else reading ...anything about Sir? .lol
slave c says:only that You are the best Dom and best friend anyone could ever ask for
§ir W/£ove says:
((bows elegantly))
slave c says:and im so lucky to have met You
slave c says:im never gonna fuck up again Sir
§ir W/£ove says:
and how did you "fuck up"?
slave c says:earlier today... and not telling You everything
§ir W/£ove says:
no ... earlier
§ir W/£ove says:
right from the start
§ir W/£ove says:
tell me you tried to do your best
slave c says:
i did try and tell You...it's just i was scared
slave c says:
and thought if You knew everything You would leave
slave c says:
not want me...not want to be my friend or Dom
§ir W/£ove says:
and tell me you are going to keep going to therapy
slave c says:
im gonna keep going to the counsellor
§ir W/£ove says:
((smiles))
slave c says:
im going to get better one day
§ir W/£ove says:
((applause))

...always more about SirwithLove by going to: http://groups.msn.com/BDSMLairofDarkness/_whatsnew.msnw?

...always more about SirwithLove by going to: http://groups.msn.com/BDSMLairofDarkness/_whatsnew.msnw?

freaking yahoo! apparently as of today I'm deleted... hundreds of pics... is the big loss.
and all my email copies of venita's writing to mario. I never wanted to look at them again any way.
I don't know what to think.

Yahoo might have not liked the pics... some walked the line.
oh well... if that's the end of it then no biggie.

...from slave c - a valentine's day link!

http://www.riversongs.net/Flash/hearts.html

...always more about SirwithLove by going to: http://groups.msn.com/BDSMLairofDarkness/_whatsnew.msnw?

lexie says: how are you

§ir W/£ove says: I have a sore throat and an ear infection just got back from the clinic.... with some antibiotics

lexie says: omg get out nice

§ir W/£ove says: grrrrr

lexie says:and pain pills

§ir W/£ove says:been pounding tylenol

lexie says:tyn #3

§ir W/£ove says: yep, head really hurts... but weird thing I've been soooo fucking horny too...

lexie says: omg

§ir W/£ove says: laying in bed... hard ...big and hard...

lexie says: are you for real hard as a rock

§ir W/£ove says: yep I keep looking down...lol and saying go away!

lexie says: man, where is the little woman?

§ir W/£ove says: she went to work out...kids are at my dads she doesn't want sex lol things don't get better by the end of the school year... I will have to move out I guess

§ir W/£ove says: she says she is "working on it"

lexie says: are you for real

§ir W/£ove says: you always ask that you are the one that always seems unreal to me...lol

lexie says:really why?

§ir W/£ove says: you like to tease...but... you always end up teasing the fuck out of yourself...lol

lexie says: lol yeah i do

§ir W/£ove says:hey... I have a new journal I started http://worldofsir.blogspot.com/
that's my journal I started Feb 1

lexie says: ok i will read it

§ir W/£ove says:there is a link on my profile at msn at the bottom and the idea is

lexie says: ok

§ir W/£ove says:therapy for me and folks that want to know can catch up on Me


...always more about SirwithLove by going to: http://groups.msn.com/BDSMLairofDarkness/_whatsnew.msnw?