making me nuts...

something venita said last night is making me nuts...

she expects me to "behave" - even though she doesn't touch me - doesn't want me...
she has her intimacy issues... okay fine...she doesn't want to be touched, fine too...
and its not like I am getting any on the side for goodness sakes...
its just more stuff for the sad and painful pile...

why

I keep asking this why does she care what I do?
why does she NOT care about me or my happiness?
if she doesn't care then why say behave?
if she does care then why not act that way?
or if you can't act that way - somehow say something... ( a note tied to a rock - thrown through my window might work )

I find as this day goes on that I'm more and more angry...
feeling more and more alone...

I know that its bad thinking...
bad perspective...
but I keep finding myself on SelfPity Blvd.

I don't know...
I have to change something
I have to stop thinking it could be better... expecting better... wanting more.

Just survive and wait...
God I'm angry though.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire of your life!"

MONEY CHANGES EVERYTHING!

One can deny it all one wants but frankly and truthfully...

MONEY CHANGES EVERYTHING!

I got paid on some voice work from 3 months ago...

all of a sudden I'm not hating myself so much and not taking the crap from others to heart...

hope to hang on to this feeling - but you know it can't last... like an ice cube in the summer sun.


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm



"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire of your life!"

Cedar Point

a summer trip to Ohio... been waiting 10 years to do this...
maybe it was too late or maybe I was expecting more ?

anyway, we got to go to Cedar Point....my work gave me passes, my cousin (an angel) sent me money to take the boys on a summer day trip... and so we went yesterday.... everyone had fun on the rides ...weather was good... of course Venita and I fought about money and of course we were separated most of the day and of course she yelled at me for disciplining the boys when we were all tired at the end of the night... but over all it was fun.

watching Marcus drive a car was a hi-light... Andy went on Raptor, Wicked Twister and Iron Dragon...he's fearless... James enjoyed the Big Wheel and Sky Ride and driving as well.

*joined an english soccer fantasy league so my friend Tigger in Scotland can feel better about losing to me in fantay NFL football. http://fantasy.premierleague.com/M/myteam.mc
missed week 1 ...lost week 2 ... but not by much!


"how your soul learns... blessed and burned in the fire of your life!"