a friend said today:
I had actually gotten to a point where I had to make myself a list of things that I WONT do for D* any more because he would guilt me into bullshit.

venita has said this to me... so have others...

I dont' mean to guilt anyone into anything

I don't...

I point out when I'm hurt and hope that the other person cares enough about my feelings to make it feel better ... that is what I do when someone says I hurt them.



that is in fact what I'm doing now.... saying I'm sorry for hurting you.



my understanding of this is simple but apparently flawed...

someone hurts you ...you say ow.

if they care ...they stop hurting you.

what have I got wrong?



if I had one thing - one wish...something that would help me grow...

it would be to figure out how I am guilting you or anyone and how to say what I want to say... with out doing that... I am truly not trying to guilt anyone...



what do you do when someone hurts you? you let me have it! (and how)





enough bullshit... I think is what you said...

and ya know ...you are right.


Sir

she replied:
I never said that YOU guilt me so stop twisting my words. If someone is hurting you, you dont just say owie and hope they make it feel better. It is like an oven, you put your hand on the hot stove do you say owie and wait for someone to remove your hand for ya? no sweetheart, You.... you have to be the one to remove it and make it feel better. Nobody else can do it for you



"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

(sn): Hello Sir
SirwLove: awww snaily
SirwLove:
(sn): kisses all over
(sn): c* just called me her and my frined a* are on their way here~!
SirwLove: cool
(sn): kinda ya
SirwLove: its good to have friends sweetie
(sn): wish there was more i could do for You
(sn): ya but i want to be here for You Sir
(sn): You are a friend also
SirwLove: I am in such a mood ... I am pissing my own self off...
(sn): awwwww kneels in front of You naked legs spread and offers herslef to You Sir
SirwLove: mmmmmmmmmm ty
SirwLove: maybe you can figure out what's wrong with me....lol
(sn): God You are such a good man You don't deserve all this crap, i so often wonder why God puts good people through such torment, why he doesn'
(sn): why he doesn't stop it
SirwLove: this is not God's doing
SirwLove: it is the devil ... the dark side that makes folks be horrid... hurt each other... makes us turn from being our best selves
(sn): You are dieing from the inside, You are tired of being hurt, tired of the fighting, of the unknowing, of the unhappiness Sir that's what's wrong. You need to be loved again You're just so beat down from all these things that You feel worthless and unattractive and unloved etc.
(sn): But please know i care, i do listen, i do somewhat understand, and i want to help the best i can Sir
SirwLove: *hugs* ty you are my snail
(sn):
SirwLove: maybe I just have to stay angry now ... to survive
SirwLove: thanks for you kind words


















"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

I keep trying to remember the reasons I do what I do...
I could be anywhere but here by this afternoon.

angry
hurt
broken




"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

more stupid ramblings, somebody save me from myself:



SiratYahoo : last night I had money stuff to talk about that I couldn't even get to because - you don't want to be married or love me... I couldn't breathe...still can't and STILL can't talk about our crap... this is obscene... I had good stuff ...money things to work out and now I don't give a fuck... I don't know how you can hurt me so ... why do I let you do this to me? what is the point... I am sorry sorry sorry fuck! you are good enough I don't need entertainment... fuck....
SiratYahoo : ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
SiratYahoo has signed out. (7/1/2004 5:14 PM)



she answered on post-it notes:

words fail me now, as manyt imes lately. I do love u and don't want to say the wrong thing like last time and make more trouble ... the weekend will come and we will talk...


you don't know how manytimes I tried to call today... one thing I did hear last night is that I have been wrong ...just me is good enough.

I am sorry for all the things I do ...never meaning to hurt you...
try to take care of yourself and be well... we'll talk soon - Venita



don't ya just love that?












"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

for you ...you stupid bitch...
and for me ...the stupid fool


you called randy to hear that you are a good person... why you can't / dont' want to hear it from me I can't understand... all I was made to do was love you... and I have no purpose now... I am a useless lonely and angry


"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

I am so filled with hate and anger...

I don't want to be where I am...

God help me please!











"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

I want to spend time with snail...
everytime I think about it...
it means leaving and I feel badly about the boys...
will they think I am a bad guy? they count on me being around...
but I am dying... emotionally, just crippled.
and I am not wanted around here.

I wanted to talk money with my future ex...

and set up some kind of non-hurt-the-other-person Deal.

I get stuck somedays... thinking she "really does love me" and that it is fixable...
but it IS NOT fixable.

somedays I think about how it was when she loved me...
how we were...
it once was a good love... a story book romance...
worth hurting others just to have...

I can't hardly believe it...
that I sit here today...

with her not caring after all I've done.

she doesn't care where I am ...what I'm doing....
if I'm am happy or sad... angry or stressed...
she even doesn't care if I am hurt...

the disrepect is incredible...
she would never treat anyone in her life the way she treats me

I don't deserve this... I DON'T


FUCK!









"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

I want to spend time with snail...
everytime I think about it...
it means leaving and I feel badly about the boys...
will they think I am a bad guy? they count on me being around...
but I am dying... emotionally, just crippled.
and I am not wanted around here.

I wanted to talk money with my future ex...

and set up some kind of non-hurt-the-other-person Deal.

I get stuck somedays... thinking she "really does love me" and that it is fixable...
but it IS NOT fixable.

somedays I think about how it was when she loved me...
how we were...
it once was a good love... a story book romance...
worth hurting others just to have...

I can't hardly believe it...
that I sit here today...

with her not caring after all I've done.

she doesn't care where I am ...what I'm doing....
if I'm am happy or sad... angry or stressed...
she even doesn't care if I am hurt...

the disrepect is incredible...
she would never treat anyone in her life the way she treats me

I don't deserve this... I DON'T


FUCK!









"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

okay I'm back to just plain surfing the front edge of nutz...

I am emotionally drained and unable to see my way out of the dark.


where is that island I belong on?
where is that hand to hold...

where is the voice that says...

I understand?










"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

He Always Does Something

that guy keeps bugging her

hanging around...

she'd like to get rid of him but,

he always does something nice and...

well she "owes" him...

and well she "likes" him, sorta still "loves him"





he's the father of her children.



he's trying "not being around much"...

but he's here always the wrong damn time...

never when he's needed,

never the way he's needed.



right now it seems everyone else gets a chance

to love his wife and he

he

he has to move on.

we all see that...

but He doesn't and he goes on

trying, denying, lying...

fixing and clowning - he always does something.

and she laughs

and she leaves

him alone

why?

because she "owes" him

she used to love him

Now she needs Him...to go

and so he works so dilgently

on the impossible journey

on a map he hates

to a place he will curse when he arrives.

and from there he sends a rose to her.



because he always does something







6/28/04





"No where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be... it's easy! All you need is LOVE!"

"no where you can be that isn't where you're meant to be...
its easy! All You Need is LOVE!"